Jelly with a side of arrows to the knee
by angelzcry
Summary: Not about a wiggly snack. Pairing of Kelly Wainwright and James Diamond. Is it just me or should there be more of these? Complete
1. I'm happy really

**HEY YOU!** Read this!

In the story

_ italics_ that are by themselves and not in the middle of a sentence are subconscious, not necessarily thoughts but may be things the person doesn't understand or does not want to admit yet

**Bold** is lyrics

_**Bold italics**_ are lyrics in mind

The lines are changes in perspective. It follows an alternating pattern so hopefully it's clear. By perspective I mean like a biast third person, not first person

... signals the beginning and end of a dream

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Big Time Rush or the song 'Wanna be famous" by Big Time Rush. The only things here that I own are my ideas.**

Enjoy

The first time he ever saw her was on a boxy TV set in Kendall Knight's living room with his 3 best friends. But he just saw, he never noticed.

_**I wanna be famous**_

The first time he ever saw her in person, was in their local theatre. His main goal was getting through the door and showing Gustavo what he was made of. So even as she slapped the bright yellow sticker with the number 810 on his lucky white v neck. He only saw, he never noticed.

_**I wanna be the one who's living the life**_

The first time he ever sang in front of her...he choked. James Diamond had never been nervous before, but then again James Diamond never had anyone doubt his singing abilities before. Gustavo was the first...ever.

But to be fair, in those few days where James was presented with an opportunity to reach his goals, girls were the last thing on his mind.

He didn't think of girls again until he reached the Palm Woods, when he finally let himself accept that yes, it was _really_ happening. Even if it was only because of Kendall.

Only then did he allow himself to gawk at the beauties that were the Jennifers, and then every other girl.

Only then did he notice.

* * *

><p>She was happy, really she was. She lived in a beautiful city; she had a safe, secure job. Even though dealing with Gustavo took a lot of patience, he had his good moments sometimes. But as much as she tried to ignore it she was starting to notice that the happy picture of her life she had ever so carefully crafted was deteriorating.<p>

"You're losing your touch Gustavo." she heard Griffin's commanding tone

"Just give me some time" she recognized this voice, it was Gustavo. But it was the agonized expression she was newly experiencing.

"You haven't had a hit in 10 years."

"9"

She heard Griffin sigh "All I'm saying is that you need to step up your game, you're on thin ice."

It was that fleeting conversation she overheard that started slowly eating at her picture. Gustavo resolved to act like it never happened but she saw the dimness in his eyes, he was taking this hard. Well, she for one was not just going to sit around and wait for the earth to fall from beneath her, she had worked _too_ long and _too_ hard for this. So she proposed the talent search.

When they reached Minnesota, Kelly's hope was slowly diminishing. So when she saw the group of 4 boys run into the theatre she prayed to God that this was what they had been searching for.

The boy with the white v neck came to her first

"I'm James Diamond, and I want to be famous-"

She cut him off because frankly, that was all she needed to hear. She looked at the rest of the boys, she couldn't deny each of them were good looking and seemed to have their own charm.

_Why not?_

As the V-neck clad boy stepped onstage, she could see the confidence radiating off of him.

_At least he has good stage presence._

As he sang, she smiled. This was it, he was IT!

"STOP!"

She heard Gustavo's signature growl.

_What could possibly be the problem, he's good!_

Apparently, Gustavo needed great not good. And though she felt cause to argue, she didn't. Her job was to assist him, not oppose him.

Later in the Knight's cramped living room, as Gustavo handed James' dream to his best friend, she finally got to size up the boys. Kendall was the one Gustavo felt the "fire" coming from (as far as she was concerned they all had it in them, they just didn't realize it yet), he was also the one with the comic book worthy superhero chin, and the dazzling green eyes. Logan had dark wise eyes, a great smile, and a bit of an uptight edge. Carlos had a rugged handsomeness and he was a ball of energy. And James, the first one she saw, the last one she noticed, was tall with a lean but well built frame. He had an angular face that she could only say was pretty, and the style and flair of an Abercrombie model. He was good looking, she could see that, but at this moment he looked like he just got the wind knocked out of him. And honestly she couldn't blame him.

But Kendall said no. And it seemed definite.

But the next day she was on her way back to LA with the four boys and the rest of the Knight family in tow.

She was finally beginning to mend her picture.

* * *

><p>He didn't notice much at first. The only thing that crossed his mind was<em> she<em>_ should have gone with a brighter colored shirt if she was doing gray pants. _As they progressed through boy band boot camp he noticed how she seemed to always rein Gustavo in when he lost his little sliver of cool. _She must be really patient to put up with all of this guys crap._

At the end of boot camp, after Kendall recited yet another "we can do it speech" and Griffin kept them around. He had made a few conclusions about the new people he met in LA. In fact he was keeping a journal of his time there, you know, for when someone wanted to make a major motion picture about his rise to fame, starring him of course.

_Gustavo: Prick_

_Camille: Crazy hot chick (crazy as in her mental state, not her level of hotness)_

_Bitters: Prick_

_Tyler: Nice kid_

_Jennifers: Snotty but hot_

_Griffin: weird rich guy_

_Mr X: ...strange_

_Kelly: I don't know, nice?_

It wasn't until he had an allergic reaction to some Cuda spray that he really took her in. After Logan explained what was going on, he called the most dependable person he knew...that could drive...that wasn't busy. So he called Kelly.

They ended up taking the limo and Kelly didn't end up driving after all. After a few moments of awkward silence in the back of the limo she finally broke it.

"So, are you enjoying LA so far?"

"Yeah, I guess"

More silence, then she laughed. Not very hard, just a light twinkly sound, but it was enough to make James' head snap up in attention. He watched her warily.

"Why are you laughing?" after he asked his hands flew protectively to his hair, just to make sure nothing was askew.

She laughed again "Nothing...it's just, how long have you been in LA?"

He didn't understand her logic but answered anyway.

"I don't know a while?"

"And how many times have we spoken?"

He began to answer but she cut him off.

"I mean not about work, just about ourselves."

The question stunned him. She was right; they had hardly had a regular conversation.

Then it was his turn to smile

"So let's change that."

* * *

><p>"So let's change that." She didn't understand what he could be getting at.<p>

"And just how do you plan to do that?"

"Simple, we'll play never have I ever."

"As in the drinking game?"

He frowned for a second, and then began to ruffle around in his pockets. He grinned triumphantly and pulled out a bag of skittles.

"If you've done what I say then you take a skittle shot." He playfully wiggled the bag in front of her face."

"Okay, I'm in."

He smiled again. "Great I'll start." He paused to think. "Never have I ever... left the house without combing my hair!"

She popped a skittle in her mouth.

"Seriously?"

She shrugged "I was just going to buy some milk."

He shook his head as if to say shame, shame on you.

She laughed. "Don't judge me, ok let's see, never have I ever...cheated on a test."

He grabbed a skittle as she watched in disbelief

"What with Logan near me all the time? I just know how take advantage of a good opportunity."

She looked out the window and saw that they were running into a little traffic, but suddenly she didn't really seem to mind anymore.

* * *

><p>As he watched her look out the window and smile at some unknown object he began to actually observe her. Her smooth toffee coloured skin, the way her dark, wavy her fell in joyous bundles at her shoulders, the light dimples she exposed only when she genuinely smiled and her figure was mind blowing. It was funny to him how this bombshell had been sitting under his nose the whole time.<p>

She looked back at him and he felt a slight tingle in his ears. She would be no match for 'the face' but for now, he'd settle for just laughing with her.

After he received his necessary injection they continued the game on their way back. As they grew looser their laughter became louder and freer until they were spent from laughing so hard.

He looked outside and saw that they were pulling into the Rocque Records parking lot. He decided he'd squeeze in one last question so he said "Never have I ever lied about my age" hoping to hear a crazy story about her sneaking into a club. But she just stilled, her laughter becoming strained, and her smile not quite reaching her eyes.

He started to say something

_It's okay if you don't want to answer, please just go back to laughing with me_

But Sebastian announced that they have arrived and she left the limo without another word. She didn't say anything until they are in the elevator.

"Ok, now you can sing the song with the rest of the boys and we'll add the track to your album."

He nodded curtly. As the doors opened she walked quickly ahead of him as he trailed behind. Then she stopped abruptly and walked back to him. He was puzzled as to why she was back there again and she gave no explanation. She only grabbed a skittle from his hand, popped it in her mouth and then sauntered away.

They didn't have a non work conversation again for a long time.

* * *

><p>This boy was seriously starting to get on her nerves<p>

"Come on Kelly, you know you want this!"

She turned to face him; he was wearing a powder blue dress shirt, dark wash jeans and navy blue Keds. He looked good, and they both knew it.

"You're right," She watched his face light up as she slowly walked up to him" I really want..." she pointed down at his feet as she deadpanned "those Keds!"

She heard laughter erupt from the end of the hallway and she knew that she had acquired the other 3 members of BTR as an audience.

She watched his smile fade and she sighed

"Look James, I'm just too old for you."

"Age is nothing in the matters of love" he retaliated

Hearing the word used so carelessly stung

"That may be true, but there's no LOVE here is there?"

He retreated; she knew she had hit his weak spot, his fear of commitment. It was hers too, she always cringed at the word love (when referred to romantically). And he walked away, because he knew what he was looking for, and it definitely wasn't love. At least not in the sense of being in it, he was more concerned in the sense of making it. James was a flirt, it was in his nature. She really should have expected that this would happen...eventually.

So it went on like this for about a month. James shamelessly flirting, Kelly rejecting him and Logan, Carlos and Kendall laughing. But eventually James was on to his new squeeze and Kelly was long forgotten. The boys told her that she actually had a pretty good run.

" James hasn't liked a girl consistently for more than 3 days since we came to LA" Kendall said as he bit hungrily into an apple. The other two just nodded.

Some days she caught herself missing his cheesy come-ons... but just a little.

It wasn't until Christmas time that Kelly finally took a break from work to be home with her family. The boys were doing a small tour and Gustavo was busy writing more music for their upcoming album.

That was when she heard a knock on the door.

"I'll get it mom" she yelled

"Okay baby"

As she opened the door she was surprised to see the 4 boys of BTR in front of her. They grinned sheepishly. Logan was the first one to speak. " Hey, Kelly. What's up?" Logan laughed nervously.

She raised an eyebrow

"Not much you?"

"Oh, just doing my thing, you know , bleep bop bloop."

"Ok, so why are you doing it on my doorstep?"

"Our tour bus kinda, sorta broke down."

Carlos nodded his head furiously then chimed in.

"Yup all by itself, with no help from us!"

The boys gave him a silencing look as Logan carried on

"And we were just wondering if we could spend the night here while our bus gets fixed."

_So much for a vacation_

She sighed and let them in.

"Mom!" She went upstairs to explain the predicament to her mom, who was more than happy to oblige.

"Sure babies you're always welcome" Mrs. Wainwright directed at the boys.

Kelly rolled her eyes at her mom, she was always too welcoming. She had just met these boys but she already started referring to them as she did her family.

"Thank you Mrs. Wainwright" they said in unison.

Later on that night she saw the boys battling over some video game.

_Some things never change_

"Kelly!" she heard her mother's soft yet authoritative voice.

"Coming"

As she walked into her mother's bedroom she knew something was up.

" Kelly, I got a letter from your student loan services, they say you're falling behind on your payments" She silently cursed the student loan company, she had told them to just send it by email and that she'd print it out herself since she was moving out of her aunt's house in a couple months. After all she was old enough now.

"Kelly I hope you know your father and I want to help you pay it off, you've done enough by yourself."

"Mom I don't need your help."

Her mother sighed.

"Yes honey you do, it's ok to ask for a little help"

_It seems my long awaited vacation is slipping through my fingers_

* * *

><p>James loved video games as much as the next guy, but there was only so much Modern Warfare 2 he can take.<p>

"Hey guys I'm going to the bathroom"

They each grunted in reply. Those were his friends for you.

It felt strange for him to be in Kelly's childhood home. He had a short crush, not even a crush, more like a " I'm hot, you're hot, let's get heated" thing with the faithful assistant and it was weird for him to see her as a kid posing for class pictures. She was actually kind of adorable... as a kid he meant.

"It's ok to ask for a little help" he heard.

At first he chose not to investigate but his inner sleuth overcame him and he soon found himself in front of Mrs. Wainwright's slightly opened bedroom.

"Mom, I'm 22 years old, I can take care of this myself" he heard Kelly protest

There was a pause in the dialogue and the two women shared an esoteric look. James was completely lost. Ms. W spoke again but now in a softer voice that James had to strain to hear

"You're starting to believe it yourself."

_Believe what herself?_

Ms. W continued talking.

"You've been saying that so long that _you_ even believe it."

Kelly remained silent so Mrs. W continued, but now in a more commanding tone.

"Kelly, you are not 22 years old, you are 18! Just like those boys out there. You should be enjoying your youth. But you forced yourself to grow up too fast and now-"

Mrs. W never got to finish her sentence before Kelly ran out of the room teary eyed.

James was too stunned to move from his position in the doorway.

_Kelly, 18, how?_

* * *

><p>She ran out of her mother's bedroom, lost in her own thoughts.<p>

_How could I have been so stupid, who did I really think I was fooling? How naive of me._

She bumped into something as she exited the room. As she looked up she realized it wasn't something, it was someone, James.

_Oh God, oh God, oh God_

"How much did you hear?"

"You're 18?'

They spoke simultaneously

_I guess that answers my question_

"Come here" she grabbed James and pulled him into her old board game closet. She hadn't stepped in there for a while and it was crawling in dust.

"You can't tell anyone" she pleaded

"I won't-"he paused " I just want to know how, why?"

She was not ready to give him her whole friggin life story.

"It's a long story"

He only looked her with a blank expression and said "I've got time"

So she told him. She told him how she had started school really early in Trinidad, so at her mom's STRONG request she was skipped ahead, to 2nd grade.

James looked at her "Whoa, that's even better than Logan."

She sighed; she knew he would say that.

"I'm really not, Logan is really intelligent, I was just forced to start school a lot earlier than I had to. And when I got here, I mentioned that I wasn't challenged enough once to my mom and she marched into that school and demanded that I be skipped ahead."

Eventually he began to understand what she meant.

Then she told him about how she couldn't get a job in LA because they all wanted someone older. So for her interview with Gustavo she lied about her age and now she worked for him.

He laughed

_Umm, ok Mr. inappropriate; this is not exactly the time to laugh_

"Why are you laughing?" she asked. This situation seemed like déjà vu to her but she couldn't quite place when it had happened before.

"Nothing" he replied "It's just, now I know why you got so sensitive when I asked you if you ever lied about your age. I thought you were mad because you thought I was calling you old or something." he laughed again.

Now it was her turn to smile. As she did so she realized that as they had talked they had shifted closer together and her head was now resting on his shoulder. She didn't really feel like moving.

Then he asked her another question. "So why did you come to LA anyway?"

_That_, she was not prepared to answer. She breathed a sigh of relief when she heard her mother yelling that dinner was ready.

"Coming!" she yelled, and she scrambled out of the small closet without so much as a second glance at James.

She had told him too much already.

**Tell me what you think of the story so far in the form of a review. This is my first fic so as much as I love me some ego stroking, constructive criticism is also much appreciated. If you want you can use the 2 hearts and a wish method (2 things you liked and one thing you wish was different)**

**I already wrote the entire story so you might not neccesarily see any change in this story, but I will remember your suggestions in future stories.**

**Thanks for reading :D**


	2. Lucky

**HEY YOU!** Read this!

In the story

_ italics_ that are by themselves and not in the middle of a sentence are subconscious, not necessarily thoughts but may be things the person doesn't understand or does not want to admit yet

**Bold** is lyrics

_**Bold italics**_ are lyrics in mind

The lines are changes in perspective. It follows an alternating pattern so hopefully it's clear. By perspective I mean like a biast third person, not first person

... signals the beginning and end of a dream

Thank you to those who reviewed and favorited, you literally made my day

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Big Time Rush, the song 'I wanna go back" by Jordin Pruitt or the song "Lucky' by Colbie Calliat and Jason Mraz. The only things here that I own are my ideas.**

Enjoy

PS. This chapter starts with James' perspective

"What's for dinner Mrs. W?" Carlos asked, ever ready for food.

"My husband's out of town right now, so I didn't have to make his boring favorite, mashed potatoes. Instead we have turkey, stuffing, salad, cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie in the oven."

"Awesome!" Logan exclaimed.

They sat down and started the dinner. After Mrs. W's prayer of course.

Logan, Carlos and Kendall dug in while James ate a little slower. He wasn't hungry. It seemed every time he had a nice moment with Kelly he had to ruin it by asking one too many questions. He didn't understand she had been fine with all the other questions, but when he asked why she chose to come to LA she just left.

"James, James." he was taken out of his thoughts by Kendall nudging him.

"What?"

"You've been zoned out for the past 5 minutes, you didn't even eat your cranberry sauce."

'I'm not that hungry"

"Okay, but we're gonna talk about this later"

"There's nothing to talk about"

Kendall smirked "Trust me, there's something to talk about"

They continued the dinner, no one really noticed that Kelly and James weren't saying anything; they were all too wrapped up in their own conversations. Kendall and Logan were trading Modern Warfare cheats, and Carlos and Ms. W were trading recipes.

After dinner Logan and Mrs. W washed up, the boys pulled out their sleeping bags and settled down on the Wainwright's living room floor.

"Goodnight guys" James said. Today had been long and confusing and he just wanted to get to bed.

He heard no response, so he sat up, only to find his 3 best friends and band mates staring down at him.

"It's time" Kendall said

"For?" he countered

"I told you we'd talk about it."

'I really wasn't hungry."

Kendall paused, and then a sinister smile creeped up on his face

"Ok, I'll let that go. But you were gone to the bathroom for a really long time."

He gulped, he was really not in the mood to talk about this.

Carlos' face lit up. "We made a bet. Logan said you were combing your hair, I said you were taking a dump, and Kendall said you were with Kelly. So which was it?"

He didn't reply.

"KELLY!" they all said in unison.

Seconds later she appeared at the top of the stairs. She was wearing a satin robe that hugged her curves. Even groggy and with her hair up in a loose bun, she still looked gorgeous. Not that he cared, though.

"Umm yeah?"

James stumbled s he tried to stand up " No, we weren't calling you, we were just talking about you, well not really talking about you, like in a bad way but-"

Her tinkling laugh interrupted him

"Goodnight boys"

Kendall, Carlos and Logan continued laughing. James had had enough

"Well if you're finished, I'm going to bed now"

Logan was next to speak "Uh uh uh, you're not getting away that easy."

Carlos laughed " Were you trying to put the moves on her again, dude you know she doesn't like you like that. She wants someone older, as in her age."

_I am her age_,

He wanted to say. But he had promised Kelly he wouldn't tell so instead he settled for a

"You all know I could have whatever girl I want, I'm just not into her like that" and went to bed.

* * *

><p>Kelly still didn't know how she felt about James knowing her secret, he was a great kid and all but he could hardly keep anything from his 3 best friends, it was one of the things she loved about them.<p>

_You're the same age_

great guy, great _guy_, she had gotten so used to thinking of him as a kid, her mother was right, she was starting to believe her own lie.

She decided to speak with him, just to make sure they were on the same page.

"James?'

He was startled out of his musical stupor. He had been studying a new song Gustavo had just written them in the break room of the studio. That was something she was beginning to notice about James, his dedication to his career.

" Uh... yeah Kelly?"

She internally blushed, it was kind of funny,

_cute_

how he said her name, as if she was some fancy southern belle. She quickly pushed the thought out of her head and continued with her original purpose.

"I just wanted to make sure we were okay, about... you know."

He looked down dejectedly almost as if he had been willing her to say something else and then said

"Oh, yeah...of course" and then turned his focus back to his music.

The situation was getting pretty awkward for Kelly as she saw James' muscular shoulders tense at the realization that she was still watching him. She quickly racked her brain for a away to exit casually but she was saved by the ringing of her phone. She had set the ringtone to worldwide to congratulate the boys on doing so well, and as she turned to go retrieve it she could have sworn she saw James smile a little at the music coming from it.

"Hello?"

" Hey Kels" It was Rosie, one of Kelly's best friends and one of the only people who knew her...back story

"What's up?'

Oh, nothing, just wanted to see how my favorite girl was doing."

Kelly frowned

"You only call me your favorite girl when you need something from me...what is it?"

"It's nothing really I just need you to performatthinsshowattreble."

"What?"

"I said I wanted you to perform at Treble"

Kelly had been to Treble about a year ago, it featured some really great artists. But she really didn't want to perform there. Kelly had almost forgotten that Rosie was still on the phone until she heard her tiny voice pipe up again.

"You should do it Kels, come on it'll be fun" Kelly's friend Rosie said.

"I don't know Rosie, doesn't this seem a little weird, considering..."

She could almost hear Rosie's frown through the phone

" Kels, obstacles shouldn't make you give up what you love to do, anyways it's at this really "hole in the wall" place so you don't have to worry about running into anyone you know

Kelly thought about Gustavo, the boys, and the rest of her friends at the Palm Woods, as much as she respected them, she knew they were a little too mainstream to show up where she was going.

"Alright... I'll go

" Yay!" Rosie squealed

She really hoped she wouldn't end up regretting this.

* * *

><p>The next time he saw her as just Kelly and not Gustavo's assistant Kelly was at this arts haven. It was called Treble and the only reason why he would allow himself to be seen in there was because this really hot hippie chick had moved into the Palm Woods and he had been the first to score a date with her.<p>

He couldn't really recall her name, but he had noticed that she liked to talk...a lot.

"I hear there's a new artist here. Haven't seen her live, have you?"

He had been tuning her out most of the date and was caught off guard when she actually asked him a question.

"I'm sorry what?"

She sighed "I _said_ there's a new artist here, I heard she had started her career but basically disappeared off the music scene. This is one of the first shows she's played in a long time."

"Oh" he answered. He was unfazed, he had heard stories like this before and as far as he was concerned, if they disappeared off of the scene then they didn't have enough star power to stay on and weren't worth worrying about. He would do everything in his power to make sure BTR didn't end up like that. He started to say more to the girl but was interrupted by the sound of the host's voice as the lights dimmed.

"Welcome to Treble"

Everyone snapped their fingers and the announcer continued.

"We have some great performers for you tonight. As performances take place we will also have various visual artists creating around the auditorium."

Everyone looked around and was surprised to see people placed all around the space.

"These pieces will be available for purchase at the end of the night. But that's enough from me. Let's begin our performances."

The first person up was a spindly 30 year old man who did some sort of creepy interpretive dance. The crowd snapped hesitantly. And so the night went on, with performance after performance, he had only found 4 of them good, and none of them were memorable, he was getting bored, so he decided to strike up a little conversation with the girl, who he now remembered was named Sapphire.

"When's that runaway artist gonna perform?"

She looked a bit annoyed at him for bringing her focus away from the show but answered anyway.

"I think she's going to be the last performer before the half time intermission."

_This thing is only half over?_

He was going to have to make an excuse to retire from this date early, if she actually planned on staying for the whole thing. Then he heard the announcer's voice.

"Next we have Kinetic"

As James struggled to keep his eyes open he saw the silhouette of a beautiful girl emerge on the stage. All the house lights were off and the lights on the stage were very dim. The girl sat on a lone stool onstage and propped her guitar underneath her as she adjusted the microphone. After giving the announcer a silent nod that showed she was starting, she took a deep breath and began her song.

She started off softly, as if she was just whispering the lyrics to herself

**I wanna go back to the way it was  
>When I knew that you were mine<br>I wanna know how it feels to love  
>The pure and easy kind<strong>

**I wanna go back to the way it was  
>Baby tell me where you're at<br>Cause I wanna go back  
>I wanna go back<strong>

As she got more and more into the song she belted out louder, closed her eyes, and seemed to lose her inhibitions as her voice rang through the auditorium. As she reached the end of the song

**When I look into your eyes**

**Want to know you understand  
>Do you still get butterflies<br>When I'm just being who I am**

And when the phone rings  
>Would you answer<br>If you knew it was me  
>Knew it was me<p>

The lights began to brighten and he instantly recognized the singer. It was Kelly

_Of course_

It seemed every time James seemed to shake his conflicted feelings for Gustavo's assistant, she always showed one more beautiful side of herself.

That didn't stop him from watching though.

As her voice went back to a whisper and she said the last words of the song

**I wanna go  
>Wanna go back<br>Ooh yeah**

She opened her eyes, and met James' own. Her caramelized topaz eyes flashed terror. She quickly excused herself offstage. And he quickly excused himself from his date with Sapphire

"I'm going to the bathroom"

She only grunted in reply, it seemed she didn't exactly love spending the night with him either. But he didn't care about that right now. He just needed to catch up to her.

_I just need to see her_

* * *

><p><em>Shit, shit, SHIT!<em>

She knew this would happen, she KNEW it. How did she know she'd end up regretting this? Rosie was so going to pay!

She looked up and saw James in front of her. His shaped eyebrows arched in question...and something that looked like concern?

"Kelly, what was that?"

She was not going to explain this, he knew enough about her life already, in fact he knew too much. All she could muster was a strangled

"Please, just don't tell...please" and with that she scurried off.

The next day at the studio had been awkward. Kelly felt she had to make sure they were good, just like before. It seemed her life was slowly unraveling and James was witnessing every agonizing moment. But as she sighed and prepared herself to walk over to him he gave her a sad nod. Letting her know that it was ok.

She wished she believed him

* * *

><p>"Again!" Gustavo yelled.<p>

James was uncharacteristically off today. He kept messing up the harmonies, the dance moves and sometimes he even blundered on the lyrics of their songs. He had no idea why.

It had been a week since he saw Kelly at Treble, and they hadn't had an easy flowing conversation since. She seemed to be very guarded every time they spoke as if James was interrogating her rather than asking her the time.

Gustavo dismissed the boys telling them to go back home and rest. Or as he would say

"Back to the kennel dogs!"

They all turned to leave, hooting out of joy and surprise that Gustavo had let them out almost 2 hours early.

"Not you James, you need to work on your harmonies some more"

James was shocked, this was the first time he had been asked to stay back. He was usually the strongest and most consistent vocalist of the four. But he'd do anything to help the band. So he swallowed his pride, hung his jacket back up and stepped back into the recording booth.

"From the top"

James kept singing the same couple lines over for almost a half hour until Gustavo received a phone call.

"Hello?"

James heard a low gruff voice coming from the phone, but it was muffled and he couldn't decipher who it was. Shortly after Gustavo clapped the phone shut, he excused himself. Only mumbling a quick

"Be back in ,a bit." before he slammed the door shut and trotted out of the building.

James glanced back at Kelly, who seemed to avert her eyes just a he did so.

"Should I do it again?"

She coughed then answer with a murmured "Yeah sure"

They continued this for about 10 minutes until he couldn't take it anymore. He was dying for Kelly to explain why she had been singing at Treble and why she had hid this talent from them.

"Can I ask you something?"

She was startled by the question and looked up from her papers.

"Uh yeah, sure" She scratched at her coral cardigan.

He started his question but then as an afterthought decided to step out of the booth. This was something he wanted to do face to face.

"Treble, the other day what was up with that?"

Her face clouded over and he worried if he had gone too far.

_Please just say something _

* * *

><p>"Treble, the other day what was up with that?"<p>

She didn't want to talk about that, at ALL. It just reminded her of how she failed, how she wasn't good enough. She didn't know what to say. So she didn't say anything. At first they just sat there in an awkward silence but then she got up and walked over to the sound booth.

He looked puzzled but stood up and followed her.

"You were really off today" she finally said.

His face darkened. She was sure he didn't want to talk about that right now. But she continued anyway.

"I think it's because you're losing hold of the_ fun _you have singing. And you're getting caught up in the techniques. "

He stayed silent.

"Here" she pulled out a worn sheet of lined paper with words and doodles scrawled on it from her usual office binder. In her defense she hadn't really planned on showing this to anyone. "We'll sing one of my songs. Not for Gustavo, for fun. Okay?"

He seemed more interested at this, a smile playing on his lips. 'You write your own songs?"

Again with the questions this guy. But she nodded softly; half wishing he mistook it for shaking out her hair. She looked back at him and from the twinkle in his hazel eyes, she could tell he didn't.

She hummed the first few bars of the song. "Join in when you want." she murmured. She sang the song a couple times, but James was a quick learner and he had it memorized by the third time.

"Ok let's try it together" she said. She had originally written this as a duet and cringed at the fact that she would have to sing something so romantic and personal with someone she indirectly worked for, totally inappropriate.

"You sing the parts in blue pen, and I'll do the parts in pencil." He nodded in reply and so they began

James:** Do you hear me? I'm talking to you  
>Across the water across the deep blue ocean<br>Under the open sky, oh my, baby I'm trying**

Kelly:**Boy I hear you in my dreams  
>I feel your whisper across the sea<br>I keep you with me in my heart  
>You make it easier when life gets hard<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>Tell me what you think of the story so far in the form of a review. This is my first fic so as much as I love me some ego stroking, constructive criticism is also much appreciated. If you want you can use the 2 hearts and a wish method (2 things you liked and one thing you wish was different)<strong>

**I already wrote the entire story so you might not neccesarily see any change in this story, but I will remember your suggestions in future stories.**

**Thanks for reading :D**

**PS. I tried to make James and Kelly's perspectives equal, but I don't know, most of the important stuff just keeps on coming from James perspective. I'm sorry, I'll do better in my next story :(**


	3. Sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare

**HEY YOU!** Read this!

In the story

_ italics_ that are by themselves and not in the middle of a sentence are subconscious, not necessarily thoughts but may be things the person doesn't understand or does not want to admit yet

**Bold** is lyrics

_**Bold italics**_ are lyrics in mind

The lines are changes in perspective. It follows an alternating pattern so hopefully it's clear. By perspective I mean like a biast third person, not first person

... signals the beginning and end of a dream

Thank you to those who reviewed and favorited, you literally made my day

To Vhie : You basically read my mind and also I already have ideas for fics involving them ;)

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Big Time Rush or the song "Lucky' by Colbie Calliat and Jason Mraz. The only things here that I own are my ideas.**

Enjoy :)

James couldn't believe his ears, he had heard her sing before. But it still sent shivers down his spine. Even now as she sang her part in the duet she _wrote_ she still lost herself in the music. She looked just as she had that night at Treble, but up close she was even more intoxicating. Her eyes closed and her expressions morphed as if she was living the song. But if he thought about it, it was more like reliving it, she had to have based this off of _something _right?

Together:**I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend  
>Lucky to have been where I have been<br>Lucky to be coming home again  
>Ooh ooh ooh<strong>

They don't know how long it takes  
>Waiting for a love like this<br>Every time we say goodbye  
>I wish we had one more kiss<br>I'll wait for you I promise you, I will

**I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend  
>Lucky to have been where I have been<br>Lucky to be coming home again**

Lucky we're in love in every way  
>Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed<br>Lucky to be coming home someday

James: **And so I'm sailing through the sea to an**

Together: **island**

James: **Where we'll meet .You'll hear the music fill the air  
>I'll put a flower in your hair<strong>

Kelly: **Though the breezes through trees  
>Move so pretty you're all I see<br>As the world keeps spinning 'round  
>You hold me right here, right now<strong>_**  
><strong>_

By this point he had found himself wrapped up in the music and hadn't noticed how closely they had drifted together, both still with their eyes closed.

Together:**I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend  
>Lucky to have been where I have been<br>Lucky to be coming home again**

I'm lucky we're in love in every way  
>Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed<br>Lucky to be coming home someday

Ooh ooh ooh  
>Ooh ooh ooh, ooh<p>

It was then that he opened his eyes, beholding the beautiful girl in front of him. A second later her eyes fluttered open as well and she awkwardly stepped out of his personal space.

_Come back_

"That was really good" he finally said as he stumbled out of the booth. He was in a daze and a horrible feeling in his gut was telling him that this was what Kendall was talking about when he tried to describe how he had felt around Jo.

She sat on the couch and he followed. As she pulled her legs up to her chest, the loose seams on her skinny jeans grazing her chin. All this time not making any eye contact with him. The silence was killing him. He just wanted her to say something, anything. Then she took a deep breath and granted his little wish.

"I originally came to LA to be a singer..." she paused almost as if the words in her mouth were vile and she hated to say them. " But somewhere along the way... my... priorities changed. Now I have a great job here with Gustavo and I'm.. I'm happy."

All the little pieces of information that were wandering aimlessly in his mind finally clicked. Kelly graduated university really early, no one would want to hire someone so young. She had probably decided she wanted to live off her talent instead, that didn't work out. So she lied about her age and got a job with Gustavo. While he was figuring all this out he didn't realize that she was looking expectantly at him. Waiting for him to say something. Only thing was, he didn't know what to say. Things like " You should go back to chasing your dream" or " As long as you're happy" didn't seem fit for the situation so he settled for a

"Well you're really, good. I just wanted you to know that." he wasn't sure if he had said the right thing as he watched waves of different emotions wash over her radiant face.

But then she smiled. He felt good when she smiled, and even better when he caused it.

* * *

><p>How did this boy keep dragging her secrets out of her? Kelly couldn't believe she had really told him. But for some reason she couldn't quite place, she was happy she did.<p>

_Because now we're closer_

But it seemed she knew nothing about _him_. Well that just wouldn't do would it?

"You seem to know all my shit now."

He nodded slightly

"But I seem to know nothing about you."

He began to speak

"Nothing substantial I mean"

He tensed up and looked the other way as yet another awkward silence filled the room. She began to rethink her actions, maybe she shouldn't have done that.

'Yeah, not so much fun when it's you is it."

But before she could push herself off the couch she felt a hand grab at her wrist. As she turned back he cleared his throat, rolled back his shoulders and forced a smirk as he pulled her back down.

"Are you questioning my badassitude?"

"I'm just saying secrets aren't quite as enjoyable when they're yours are they?"

She tossed him a wry smile as she began to stand up again.

"When I was younger" his breath hitched in his throat, and he laughed at himself.

"It's been years I should be over this you know?"

She immediately wanted to turn back the clock so she wouldn't have asked for this. She hated seeing him this uncomfortable, and if she knew something about him too, then she would have to make sure she didn't lose his trust. There'd be pressure, she'd have to commit to this.

He continued

"But yeah, when I was younger I was, I was a chubby kid you know?"

She almost couldn't believe it, looking at the lithe, muscular boy in front of her she had kind of thought he'd always been that way.

_That beautiful_

Now as she watched him it seemed he was reliving his memories as he told her. It was as if he was reciting the story to himself, rather than telling it to her. He didn't even look at her, just stared straight ahead.

"I got a lot of crap for it, people called me tubby, lard ass, fatty, and blubber balls. That last one was kind of creative. And it was really hard on me. One particular day someone called me lard ass at the water fountain and I heard my teacher snicker. My young mind couldn't comprehend it, aren't teachers supposed to be nice? My stomach started turning and I ran into the bathroom and threw up. At first it was really gross but afterwards I felt slightly less fat, less disgusting you know? From then on I started throwing up regularly after meals. I didn't really think it was a big deal until these people came to our school and talked about eating disorders. When the guest doctor started describing bulimia I was like hey, that's me! But then she said 'It's nothing to be ashamed of, a lot of girls go through this. A lot of _girls_. After that I tried to stop, after all it was a girls thing right? Now I know that it's not but... back then. But it had become reflex and my stomach defaulted into throw up mode whenever I was under emotional stress.

When I met Kendall, Carlos and Logan they helped me through it. If I felt the need to throw up, they convinced me to run instead. Eventually I lost all the fat, though some of it was more because I was growing, but the running definitely helped. People started treating me better after that, and it was nice, on some level. But I always made sure I knew who my real friends were. So yeah...now you know"

She was speechless. He had really trusted her with something so... personal. It was then that he turned towards her, awaiting her response.

"Do you still do it?"

"Nah, the last time I did it was.." his face darkened but then he sighed as if saying 'oh well' " The night you guys chose Kendall over me"

"I'm sorry"

"It's ok, really, maybe it was better that way. If you guys chose me right away I'm not sure I would've thought to bring the rest of the guys with me. But now look, I get to experience LA with my best friends"

He turned and smiled at her, it was all she could do not to hold him right then.

He continued talking again

"But hey now we're even' he laughed as he ran his fingers through his hair

In her mind she knew they really weren't since he knew two of her secrets but she didn't dare ask any more, she didn't _want_ to ask anymore really.

When he finally let go of the hair he had nervously fisted. His left hand landed on the patented leather couch with his pinky brushing hers

She didn't move

* * *

><p>He told her. He had considered bullshitting some story but her sincerity convinced him otherwise. It wasn't as hard as he'd thought it'd be, saying it out loud.<p>

He looked out his window at the night sky. After he and Kelly had their little "confession session" James finally got his harmony right and they locked up and headed home. Wow, thinking about it now it seemed really weird. That he would share something so personal and quite honestly, something so scarring with someone he hardly spoke to. It's not like he wanted it to be that way. But she was so professional that they never really got to talk honestly. He still couldn't believe that the first time they _really_ talked, she had been the one to start the conversation.

"James go to BED!" he heard Logan yell from his side of the room

"I'm not bothering _you_ am I?" he shot back

"Actually yes you are, your constant turning is pissing me off"

James sighed, he loved Logan but sometimes this kid was too much.

"Fine"

Turning back to the window he let his mind drift. They seemed to always come back to her. Her skin, her hair, her eyes, her laugh, her _voice_, her everything.

It felt like his stomach was silly putty newly discovered by a toddler every time he saw her

And he hated it

He was never the one to get emotionally attached to people. He always stayed loose and he meant that in every sense. James was aware of the fact that he was a flirt. It was his hobby. Kendall had hockey, Logan had books, Carlos had stunts and he had girls. That was how it worked, that was how they functioned, and he wasn't going to let a girl ruin that.

Not even Kelly

* * *

><p>Kelly was happy to be home. She loved her job, and she loved the boys.<p>

_One a little more than the others admit it Kelly_

But sometimes they were a little too much even for someone as level headed as her. As she laid her head down on her pillow surrounded by her 1000 count Egyptian sheets, she allowed her mind to wander

_Just this once_

...

_"I missed you"_

_James whispered in her ear_

_" I missed you too" she said softly as she nestled her head into the crook of his neck._

_She looked up and saw clouds pass above them as they lay down on James' beach towel on the grass. He placed a quick kiss on her head as she tried to decipher what each cloud was. The first one was a tree, then a bunny, then a guitar._

_"Hey"_

_Before she could say what, he planted a gentle kiss on her aching lips. After they parted she smiled at him then turned her head to see a cloud pass by that seemed like a very detailed portrait of James, then one of an angry Gustavo. _

_As she turned to point out the hilarious cloud to James, she found Gustavo beside her, looking just as angry as he did as a cloud while he bellowed._

_" Unprofessional!"_

_She felt herself falling_

...

She woke up with a start. She rarely remembered her dreams (but she was sure she had them since she read in a book that you dream every night) but this one was fresh in her mind. She was confused as to why she had that dream about James but she shrugged it off. It was probably because he had been the last person she saw so he was in her dream. She couldn't be thinking about him out of her own free will? Could she? She had a sinking feeling in her stomach that made her not want to find out. It had been a long time since she dated, and the last time she got burned, badly. That was actually when she wrote " I wanna go back", though she doesn't now. She just really wasn't up for getting hurt again. In her eyes it really wasn't worth it.

She knew that if she let herself fall for the striking boy she saw _every day_, it would be too agonizing, she'd fall apart. Because she knew as well as anyone that James was a player, and if she let herself really do this, it would kill her whenever she saw him with girl after girl after girl after...

Damn he was with a lot of girls. But she couldn't deny she saw why. He was charming, nice funny, built, good looking, and _man_ could he sing. But she wasn't going to be one of James' past flings. She was worth more. So she tried her best to push thoughts of him out of her head and tried her best to sleep.

But something told her she was already falling, and fast.

* * *

><p>It was lunchtime when James saw his best friend Logan walk in the doorway nervously wringing his hands and looking down. His sleuth instincts kicked in and James had to know what was up<p>

"Hey buddy!"

Logan jumped

"Oh, sorry, didn't realize you were there"

James shrugged

"So what's on your mind?"

"Camille and I broke up."

James fought not to roll his eyes; those 2 were constantly on and off.

Logan caught him anyway and sighed

"I know what you're thinking. I can't blame you, we break up and make up all the time. But this time felt different, final. Maybe we had something in the beginning, but it's gone and we both realized that. I think we have for a while, that's why our relationship is mostly just making out now. Or should I say was."

James felt bad for his friend, he had really liked Camille. But somehow Logan didn't seem as torn up as James had expected. Which was what brought on this question.

"What brought this about. Like why'd you actually voice this to each other?"

Logan covered his face with his hands and groaned

"Because I started liking someone else, while we were dating. And as it turns out she did too. She won't tell me who though?"

_Camille didn't tell?_

"So, who did you start liking?"

Logan tensed up and slowly turned to face him.

"Actually I had to talk to you about that. It seemed like you liked her before but I wasn't sure and I just wanted to check in and see if you were still into her. Cuz' if you are I'll back off for sure."

James wasn't sure who Logan was talking about. He had liked a lot of girls. Maybe the blond Jennifer?

"You guys know that if I had any real attachment to the girls that I liked I'd tell you"

Logan sighed with relief. But James was still not appeased

"So who is it?"

Logan looked around nervously before closing his eyes and whispering

"Kelly"

James felt like he had been punched in the stomach.

"Uh, but what about the age difference?" he muttered

Logan didn't seem to notice the look on James' face as he sighed and continued talking

"I know, it sucks but she's just so beautiful, smart, funny...I don't know"

James knew she was all those things, and more. He didn't need Logan to tell him

James tried his best to act supportive and mustered an unconvincing

"Good luck bro"

But Logan was in his own world

"She might not even be interested in a relationship. I've never seen her with any guys and I heard her last relationship ended really badly. So I'll get over it, I'm sure it's just a crush"

"Oh"

Although James could tell that Logan wasn't really serious about Kelly (not because Logan told him, but James knew that look of pure lust that Logan had, after all he sported it all the time) it still made his blood boil

_She isn't yours James, cool down_

"But yeah. I just got out of a relationship, so I'm just going to focus on myself for now."

" Yeah that's a good idea"

* * *

><p>When they where 3 hours into rehearsal Kelly knew something weird was going on with the boys. Carlos and Kendall seemed fine and were up to their usual antics but James and Logan seemed to be in constant competition.<p>

First was the competition to be first to the door which Logan won. But it seemed the victor's prize was only to open the door and have everyone say thank you to him.

Then there was the sudden will to be the one to get coffee for everyone (well except for Carlos, he actually just prefers hot chocolate). She usually had to do it because no one else wanted to and this was a nice change of pace. James won this one. As he walked in she noticed that he was having some trouble holding all the cups

"Here James, let me help"

He didn't say anything, only looked at her like a deer in headlights. She decided to fill the now uncomfortable silence

"You should have just gotten another tray"

As she turned around to pass the coffee around she got a closer look at everyone. Gustavo seemed pretty amused today, which was really weird for him, but when she saw the pinched expressions on the other boys' faces she understood. Logan looked at James with a scowl but also like he was on the brink of figuring something out. James still looked like a deer in headlights but now he was looking around and murmuring. "This can't be happening"

Yeah, something was definitely wrong but she was picking up clues here and there.

On her break she heard Logan talking to James

"You should've just been honest'

James looked peeved as he muttered "I don't know what you're talking about"

Logan chuckled at this "You obviously like her"

"That implies that she has some control over me, she doesn't, I don't like her"

Oh, so James liked a girl.

_She'd better recognize how lucky she is_

"Okay, how about you have some... unresolved feelings"

James didn't answer, he just stormed out as Logan called after him

"I'll back off okay, you're obviously more interested than I am"

Weird

"Logan what was that about?'

Logan looked embarrassed as he turned to face Kelly

"Oh nothing, James is just having some girl trouble"

"James, girl trouble?-James?"

Logan chuckled "Yeah, it's weird for me to see too"

**Tell me what you think of the story so far in the form of a review. This is my first fic so as much as I love me some ego stroking, constructive criticism is also much appreciated. If you want you can use the 2 hearts and a wish method (2 things you liked and one thing you wish was different)**

**I already wrote the entire story so you might not neccesarily see any change in this story, but I will remember your suggestions in future stories.**

**Thanks for reading :D**

**PS. Sorry if James' secret seems a little kinda came out of nowhere cuz I was just like how come it's only Kelly's stuff being exposed. I know thats becaus she isnt really given much depth on the show but still, she just seemed to be giving out secret after secret. So I figured James had to give something up too.**

**Also I got a review at 2AM this morning asking why the new chApter wasn't up yet. As EXTREMELY flattering as that was, uh yeah, I go to school and have homework so most of the time uploads will be up around 6pm.**


	4. All around us, I see nobody

**HEY YOU!** Read this!

In the story

_ italics_ that are by themselves and not in the middle of a sentence are subconscious, not necessarily thoughts but may be things the person doesn't understand or does not want to admit yet

**Bold** is lyrics

_**Bold italics**_ are lyrics in mind

The lines are changes in perspective. It follows an alternating pattern so hopefully it's clear. By perspective I mean like a biast third person, not first person

... signals the beginning and end of a dream

Thank you to those who reviewed and favorited, you literally made my day

I am so sorry I didnt post on Friday like I had promised but for some reason I oculdn't log in and I tried it on 2 different computers 3 times. Once at 5:00pm once at 7:00pm and another time at 9:00pm. I felt really bad about it so I set an alarm for 3am and promised myself I'd try one more time before morning, for you guys. Still, I'm really sorry...

To Vhie: I need 2 favors from you ok?

1. Stop reading my mind! I already have plans for the second couple u mentioned (I call them the same name u do and I even have a catchphrase for them and everything) Also for the first couple u talked about they are Jelly not Jally, Jally sounds funny...

2. Get a acccount so I can stop talking to you with chapters. I'm sure everyone else would rather get to the story.

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Big Time Rush or the song "Fallin for you' by Colbie Calliat. The only things here that I own are my ideas.**

We are starting with James' perspective again. Enjoy :)

James couldn't believe the nerve of Logan. James Diamond didn't do lovesick puppy. He was suave, he was a ladies man. Ladies, as in plural. He didn't tie himself down to one person. Some people say that he's selfish, but he considers it being generous because honestly, who didn't want a piece of James.

They were in their living room now. Logan was eyeing James suspiciously but the pretty boy refused to meet his gaze. Just because he was smart, didn't mean who could go around forcing feelings on people. It went on like this for about 10 minutes until James turned around, looked Logan dead in the face and said "Go screw yourself" and walked out. Logan stood there dumbfounded and Kendall and Carlos burst out laughing, but James didn't stop. He marched into his room grabbed his iPod and slammed the door angrily grumbling a quick "Be back in an hour"

James had been walking for a while now and he had gotten pretty lost. Though he had only been out for half an hour the sun was setting and he had been so furious he didn't really pay attention to where he was walking. He looked up and saw a classy looking apartment building named Silver Heights. He decided to walk in and ask for directions or at least a phone. When he walked in he saw the back of a dark skinned girl with a nice body, he grinned as he made his way forward.

_Might as well ask her_

"Hey"

The girl turned around. He was right she was hot from the front too. But she was also Kelly.

_Are you kidding me right now?_

"Oh hey James, what brings you here?"

She was dressed in a much more casual outfit than he usually saw her in. She was wearing a pair of boyfriend jeans, a white v-neck with a blue varsity jacket and he noticed, the same Keds he wore when he first flirted with her.

"I guess you really did want those Keds huh?"

She looked puzzled for a second but then began blushing the next.

_You look ravishing_

"What, oh... yeah"

James mentally kicked himself for saying something so dumb and for thinking something so dumb, and for letting her blushing quicken his heart rate. But before he could give himself a real mental beat down, she spoke as she pressed the up button on the elevator

"You still haven't told me why you're here"

"Oh, I just needed to find out how to get back to the Palm Woods, and call so they don't get worried."

James noticed that she was struggling with the box and reached out to help her with it

"Oh no, it's fine"

"Just let me-" He wanted to say just let me help you, but his breath hitched in his throat when her delicate fingertips brushed against his as he tried to get the box. It was as if she sent little shockwaves into him.

_No, no, this can't be happening to me_

As he gulped he looked up and saw that she was looking at him with an unreadable expression, but as soon as she realized he was looking back she averted her gaze and cleared her throat as she continued speaking.

"Um, well I'm just getting moved in, but I got the phone lines hooked up yesterday, so you can use the one in my apartment" she offered.

"Uh yeah, ok"

The tension was thick as they rode the elevator up to her flat on level 11. On level 9 an old man walked in and looked at us. "You two lovebirds moving in together?"

Kelly turned a deep red and James tried to stop his face from flushing as he muttered

"Just friends"

He could've sworn he heard the man laugh and whisper "not for long" under his breath.

James was relieved to get off the elevator as Kelly fished her keys out of her pocket and opened the door

"Sorry about the mess, just moved in yesterday. The phone's over in that room."

James turned the corner, but not before he caught of glimpse of Kelly reaching down to clear up some newspaper strewn across the floor.

Focus James

When he entered the room Kelly had directed him too he realized it was her bedroom. She had just started decorating but he could already feel the rustic yet modern vibe that revolved around the room. She had a queen sized bed,

_Does that mean she usually has company?_

a desk, some drawers, a cute little book nook and an acoustic guitar in the corner. Wait a guitar? He crept over to the beauty and marveled in it for a second before he realized the scattered folder next to it. It was the one Kelly had kept her songs in. He let his curiosity get the better of him, as he gingerly picked up the guitar and picked out the newest entry. He could still smell the ink on it and it was dated to yesterday. He wasn't sure but it seemed unfinished. He began to play the music sloppily written on a sheet of paper next to it, and slowly sang along.

**"I don't know but...**  
><strong>I think I maybe<strong>  
><strong>fallin' for you<strong>  
><strong>Dropping so quickly<strong>  
><strong>Maybe I should<strong>  
><strong>keep this to myself<strong>

**Waiting 'til I..**  
><strong>know you better<strong>  
><strong>I am trying..<strong>  
><strong>Not to tell you..<strong>  
><strong>But I want to..<strong>

**I'm scared of what you'll say**  
><strong>So I'm hiding..<strong>  
><strong>what I'm feeeling..<strong>  
><strong>But I'm tired of<strong>  
><strong>Holding this inside my head<strong>

**I've been spending all my..time**  
><strong>Just thinking about ya"<strong>

* * *

><p>"<strong>Fallin for you"<strong>

She heard the song she had recently written surrounding her. For a second she thought it had been her imagination. Maybe her mind was making it the background music while he was here, considering she had ended up writing it furiously last night. He was on her mind and she couldn't sleep. But then she realized she wasn't hearing her own voice, she was hearing his. She followed the music and found him sitting with her guitar in hand. His eyebrows were pushed together and he leaned forward as he tried to follow what she had written.

"What are you doing?" she breathed.

He looked up embarrassed

" oh, I'm sorry, I just saw it here, and I, sorry" he whispered again as he gently placed the guitar back on it's stand.

"Um, it's fine"

" It's really good"

"Thanks I'm not finished so..."

" Oh"

"Yeah"

By now she had sat on her bed and he followed her and sat next to her.

"So you wrote it yesterday?'

' Uh yeah"

"May I know who it's about?"

He flashed her a sly grin, but it never reached his eyes. It seemed his eyes were pleading for something but she didn't really know what.

So what was she supposed to say. "I didn't mean to like you, but I think I might anyway cuz you were on my mind all night and I needed to sleep so I tried to get you out of my head by writing a song about you. It didn't work though, you were still there in the morning!" No, somehow she didn't picture that ending well.

So she just let her head drop, so she was lying on the bed with her legs dangling off. He looked at her uneasily for a second and then slowly lowered himself so he was in the same position as her.

"Not ready to say yet huh? " he paused "Well, whoever it is he or she is really lucky."

"He" she said as he squeezed her hand reassuringly

They didn't let go

* * *

><p>They laid like that for a while. Not saying anything, just breathing. Just being together, he hated to admit it to himself but he liked this. Usually if he was on a bed with a girl things would be going at a much more feverish pace.<p>

He didn't know why but he really wished Kelly had said something like "I wrote it about you" but that was just wishful thinking on his part.

They could have lain like that for hours but they were interrupted by a ringing coming from Kelly's top drawer. She quickly got up to go and get it but was anchored by their connecting hands. She looked down at the bundle of light and dark fingers.

"Uhh"

"Oh, sorry" he muttered as he let go

She ran to the drawer, opened it and hastily answered the phone

"Hello?" she said as she swiped her flowing hair away from her face.

James heard Logan's frantic voice coming from the phone

" Have you seen James, he stormed out earlier and said he'd be back in an hour but it's been two hours and he's not back! So have you seen him?"

Kelly eyed him carefully, and questioned him with her eyes like "They sound pretty worried"

He nodded at her

"Uhh, yeah he's here"

James heard Logan's tone of voice change from worry to curiosity

"He's...there? Like at the studio?"

"No, my apartment, he got lost"

"Oh, can I talk to him?"

'Sure'

She handed him the phone and stepped out of the room

"What do _you_ want?"

"At Kelly's huh?"

James could practically hear him smirking. He wasn't going to answer him, Kelly was probably just outside the door. So instead he said

"Ok Logan I'll head over right now"

"What, that's not what I asked"

' Ok bye now"

Kelly knocked on the door

"Uh, I think you're going to need a ride, kind of part of the reason why you're here anyway right?"

"Oh.. .yeah"

She grabbed her jacket and her keys and they headed out.

Yet another silent elevator ride. Up until some kid came on at the third floor. He was playing a game on his iPod but looked up at them when he stepped in.

"Whooh" he said as he waved in front of his nose "I can practically smell the sexual tension in here"

Now James was the one who turned red and Kelly just flashed the boy a stern look

"Ok, ok, sorry lady"

Kelly drove him home, and they entered the lobby.

"Hey Mr. Bitters" Kelly smiled

"Oh, hello Kelly." Bitters leered as he scanned her body.

James noticed and stepped in front of her protectively. She looked at him, opened her mouth then closed it again. After a second the elevator opened and she said "Well, bye, see you in the studio,8 am don't be late"

So they were back to business talk. "Ok" he said as she spun on her heel and sashayed away.

This seemed to be happening a lot with them, her walking away from him

_You leaving me speechless_

* * *

><p>He seemed to leave her speechless every time<p>

As she entered her room and laid down on her bed, she couldn't believe what had happened there only a few minutes ago. He held her hand. She knew she sounded like a 12 year old girl but she couldn't help it. When he squeezed her hand, her heart immediately lodged itself in her throat.

He didn't say anything, and she _couldn't_ say anything. So they just laid there in comfortable silence.

_So much for getting him out of my mind_

Writing that song and admitting that she felt something for him was hard enough, but having him sing it, with so much heart, completely oblivious to the fact that it was about him. _That_ was torture.

This was exactly what she wanted to avoid. She'd be stuck with unrequited "love". Whenever she'd see him at work, she'd feel her heart skip a beat, whenever he smiled at her, talked to her, or touched her, she'd feel a little kick of electricity and whenever she saw him with another girl, which she knew she would she'd feel like she'd been hit by a bus.

There was nothing left for her to do but try to fall asleep and wallow in her own misery. But after 3 hours of tossing and turning she banged her fist against her bed as she sat up. She walked over to her guitar and continued to write.

"**As I'm standing here  
>And you hold my hand"<strong>

She giggled at the memory

**"Pull me towards you  
>and we start to dance"<strong>

_I wish_

**"All around us**  
><strong>I see nobody<strong>  
><strong>Here in silence<strong>  
><strong>It's just<strong>  
><strong>you and me<strong>

**I'm trying..  
>Not to tell you..<br>But I want to..**

**I'm scared of what you'll say**  
><strong>So I'm hiding..<strong>  
><strong>what I'm feeling...<strong>  
><strong>But I'm tired of<strong>  
><strong>Holding this inside my head..."<strong>

She felt catharsis after she finished writing and was finally calm enough to sleep.

* * *

><p>"So" Kendall raised a thick eyebrow" You were at Kelly's?"<p>

James made no eye contact with him but muttered " Yeah, so?"

Kendall laughed "You really like her don't you?"

James didn't answer

Carlos spoke up now, with a concerned look on his face

"Guys stop teasing him. First of all it's a big step that he's been on the same girl for more than a week since we came to LA."

"I don't like her" James muttered

Carlos continued anyway "And the fact that she will never see him that way, because of her age must be really hard on him"

Logan's brow furrowed "Yeah, I never thought about it like that."

Kendall stopped laughing "Sorry dude, that really sucks"

James was reeling. He was already frustrated enough from trying to sort out his feelings for Kelly. He hadn't felt like this about anyone before and he was extremely foncused ( A/N get it confused, foncused) He could take the teasing in good stride, after all he was a good sport. But pity, he could _not_ take.

"There is no age difference!"

Logan's look of concern grew "Now he's in denial"

"She's 22 what do you mean?" Kendall sputtered

Carlos spoke slowly " 22 minus 18 equals 4"

"I'm NOT in denial!"

The other three boys quieted down and looked at him questioningly.

"When we were over at her house that one time I overheard an argument with her mom and she told me she was 18'

Kendall spoke first

"No way"

James nodded

The boys just stared at him in disbelief.

"So, I'm not depressed over any age difference. I just don't like her" James stated calmly before storming into his room and falling asleep.

He didn't realize how badly he had screwed up until the next morning. He woke up and found that the other three boys were gone. Only Katie remained in the living room.

"They left already, they said you were pretty upset last night and they decided to let you sleep in"

"Oh crap!"

"What?"

"Sorry can't talk"

James quickly got ready, having only a 5 minute shower, and brushing his hair for only 15 minutes.

_Desperate times call for desperate measures_

The other guys knew, he never told them that it was a secret, and they were with Kelly, alone!

He prayed that he wouldn't be too late. When the elevator doors open he heard the sound of the boys and Kelly laughing. Then he heard Carlos

"What do you mean you wouldn't cannon ball into a pool from the roof?"

Kelly laughed "Carlos I'm a 22 years old, I can't do that, you guys still have 2 teen years left"

James turned the corner and was about to enter the room. Carlos' back was to him but he could see Kelly. Though she hadn't noticed him yet.

Carlos continued talking but he lowered his voice to a sly playful tone

"Come on Kelly, you can drop the act with us, we know you're 18."

The 3 boys smiled while Kelly's face drained of color. Her eyes began frantically searching around the room and that's when she locked eyes with him. She couldn't stop herself from mouthing "why?" Her bronze eyes began to water as she excused herself from the room.

"Kelly wait!" James shot a deathly glare at his band mates

Carlos shrugged "Should have told us it was a secret."

James knew Carlos was right. But that didn't stop him from slamming the door behind him as he ran after Kelly.

_I'm sorry_

* * *

><p><em>Why would you do that?<em>

Kelly was sitting on the curb in the Rocque Records parking lot with her knees at her chest. After yesterday she had been on a James high, she had let herself think, for just a second, that he had matured. Obviously he hadn't.

She heard the door open behind her

"Go away James"

"It's not James"

Kelly recognized Gustavo's voice. This was it, she was going to lose her job, she knew yesterday was too good to be true.

"I heard what happened"

"So now you're going to fire me right?"

"No"

"Wait what?" she said as she watched him get up and walk back to the door, his shoulders shaking with laughter

"I'm not stupid Kelly, I just really needed an assistant"

So Gustavo had known all this time. He really was nicer than she gave him credit for.

He poked his head back in the door

"I don't know if you're done with your little pity party but we have work to do"

Ahh, that's the Gustavo, she knows and loves.

When she walked in Carlos was the first to greet her

"I'm really sorry Kelly- I didn't know"

"Yeah" Kendall and Logan chimed in

She laughed, these boys were just too cute, she couldn't stay mad at those 4...3 for long.

"It's ok guys it wasn't your fault" she said as she glared at James from across the hall. The boys followed her gaze and shrank. "Don't be mad at him Ke-" Carlos began but she had already left. As she passed him he tried to talk to her.

"Look, Kelly I'm sorry I-"

"Its fine" she said

"Really?" his face brightened

"Yeah" she said with a shrug " I shouldn't have told you anyway."

James winced, but it was already too late. She was done with him. She knew couldn't just demand her feelings away. But she would try as hard as she damn could

"Okay boys, from the top!" she hollered

* * *

><p>It had been a month since the incident with Kelly and it seemed that James had taken 5 steps back from the 3 steps forward he had initially taken.<p>

Before the incident he and Kelly talked, laughed, sang duets and even held hands once... in her _apartment_. Now they only talked about work, and_ that _was even kept at a minimum. If she ever had a message that included him she would get someone else to tell him. When she had to say his name it looked like a struggle and if he ever made a joke she would just smile passively and continue her work.

He wished she would just be mean to him, or yell at him even. It was better than being treated like a fly in the room. Yeah it was annoying, but you just ignored it until it flew out of something or died against your windowpane.

James was brought of his thoughts by a light knocking on the door of 2J

"Coming!"

He opened the door and was greeted by a

" Hey!...oh you"

" Hey Kelly, what do you-"

" Maybe I should go"

" No-"

" James are you coming in or what" Carlos called

Kelly sighed with relief. Probably because she wouldn't be alone with him. James looked at her expectantly. She carefully stepped around him as she began talking to Carlos.

"Hey Carlos!"

Carlos smiled

"Hey Kels!"

Since when were those 2 so friendly? Logan and Kendall walked in.

"Hey Kels" the both said

"Hey Kendall, hi Logan"

So it seemed that everyone was getting chummy with Kelly while she was freezing him out. Nice.

Kendall spoke up

"So what brings you here?"

"Oh my car broke down on my way to the Studio and your place was closer than mine or Gustavo's"

"Cool" Logan said " It's been a while since we hung out"

Kelly laughed. That tinny laughed that James never got to hear anymore "You guys dragged me to the movies yesterday!"

The room tensed up and everyone stopped speaking.

"What?" Kelly asked.

The other 3 boys were awaiting a reaction from James, they had teased James about Kelly so much that they never really knew if he actually liked her or not.

_I do_

And everyone knew they weren't exactly on the best terms at the moment. But James was not going to give them the satisfaction. He was a budding actor after all, so he just shrugged his shoulders and walked over to the fridge, pulling out a bottle of water. As he took a long swig the whole room seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. After he was done refreshing himself he murmured "I'm going to take a nap" to no one in particular and left to go to his room.

He didn't need this, He didn't need her.

_Yes I do_

**Tell me what you think of the story so far in the form of a review. This is my first fic so as much as I love me some ego stroking, constructive criticism is also much appreciated. If you want you can use the 2 hearts and a wish method (2 things you liked and one thing you wish was different)**

**I already wrote the entire story so you might not neccesarily see any change in this story, but I will remember your suggestions in future stories.**

**Thanks for reading :D**

**And again I'm really sorry fo posting this. but maybe some of you in my time zone will have a pleasant surprise when you wake up.**


	5. Good intent

**HEY YOU!** Read this!

In the story

_ italics_ that are by themselves and not in the middle of a sentence are subconscious, not necessarily thoughts but may be things the person doesn't understand or does not want to admit yet

**Bold** is lyrics

_**Bold italics**_ are lyrics in mind

The lines are changes in perspective. It follows an alternating pattern so hopefully it's clear. By perspective I mean like a biast third person, not first person

... signals the beginning and end of a dream

I posted a little earlier today! Partly because I still feel bad about last week, but mostly because I don't have school today so I actually can.

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Big Time Rush or the song "No Air' by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown. The only things here that I own are my ideas.**

Starting with Kelly's perspective

Enjoy :)

After James left Kelly and the boys began their now usual banter. Kelly and Logan debating world issues, Kendall teaching Kelly the fundamentals of hockey, and the Kelly and Carlos imaginary cooking show. But there was still a huge elephant in the room. Well technically in his room, and definitely not huge, unless you were talking about his voice. She didn't understand why the boys were making such a big fuss over the fact that she and James weren't friends. But she couldn't blame them, they were extremely loyal and it was part of what she loved about them.

Later Camille came over, making the space slightly awkward, prompting Logan to leave for the Library. It wasn't like Kelly was telling people now, Camille had overheard Kelly and Gustavo's conversation while heading out to buy groceries. She later approached Kelly about it. At that time Kelly was a bit of a wreck so she admitted it without a fight. Camille's reaction "I knew you looked too young for 22!"

The 2 girls had bonded since then. They watched movies and laughed about everything from Gustavo's secret soft spot for the boys to Camille's recent breakup.

Kels, I think I might like someone."

Kelly loved finally having girl talk with someone her age. Rosie was great, but her taste in guys was definitely too advanced in years for her.

"Who?"

Camille hesitated to answer, and then shrugged it off

"James...it's actually part of the reason Logan and I ended things, just wasn't fair to him you know?"

Kelly's heart plummeted, she didn't know why.

_I don't know why, yeah right. Try telling that to " No air"_

After she fought with James she found herself restless again at night. Usually she would go work on "Fallin for you" but James didn't deserve to be the muse for that song anymore. She resolved to write a new one. She wanted to write something like ' Better without you" or " Go die in a hole" but she ended up writing "No air".

**If I should die before I wake**

**It's cuz you took my breath away**

**Losing you is like living in a world with no air**

Camille continued to speak

"I know he hurt you, and it seemed like _you_ may have liked him there for a bit-

"I don't like him"

Camille nodded sympathetically then sighed

"Course' you don't Kels. But-" she looked a little embarrassed now " I'd like to think we're best friends and best friends are honest with each other...so I just wanted to tell you. And I won't go after him, you say you don't like him but... I don't know"

Camille looked up now awaiting Kelly's answer. But so much was going on in the dark skinned girls mind. A lot of what she had just heard she didn't like. But there was one thing...

"Of course we're best friends" she said as she hugged Camille.

Camille began to say something but decided to just accept what she had gotten out of Kelly.

_Good move_

Camille looked at her watch." Oh, got to go Kels. We've got some cousins coming over to visit and we need to go and make our house look, "she folded her arms in imitation of her mother

"Presentable Camille!"

After a long hug Kelly got a call from the car repairman.

"Hello?"

"Hey toots. Your car won't be ready till tomarra."

"Tomorrow?"

"Yeah , tomarra. Did I stutter?"

She ignored the man's rudeness and went on

"So how am I supposed to get home?"

"Not my problem, toots"

_Oh hell no_

"I'll make it your problem! You're giving me 50% off the repairs!"

"What?"

"Or I'll be speaking to your manager"

"Alright, alright!"

"Thank you" she said as she snapped her phone shut.

Now to figure out her sleeping arrangements.

* * *

><p>James was getting sick of Kelly freezing him out like this. It wasn't fair, he apologized, what else could he do. And now she was getting all buddy buddy with <em>his<em> friends.

She was mad at him for spilling her secret, but look how much good it did. Now she was friends with Carlos, Kendall, Logan and Camille. He indirectly gave her friends, but he knew she'd never look at it that way.

All she saw was the fact that she had trusted him and he had failed her. He had failed her; the thought echoed in his mind. But she wasn't his master, he could do whatever the hell he wanted, he was James Diamond.

James leaned to the left of his bed and opened the top drawer of the dresser next to it. He grinned at the mass of phone numbers scrawled by giggling girls he had kept. _They_ all wanted him. _They_ would forgive him if he said sorry.

_But I just want her_

So yeah, he didn't need her!

He still wished she'd talk to him though.

* * *

><p>Kelly was going to be sleeping over at 2J tonight. She had called Mrs. Knight to see if she could get a ride when she was back - the BTR mobile didn't have any gas. But once Mrs. Knight heard her predicament she insisted that Kelly stayed over, she also made it clear that she wasn't going to let Kelly say no. So Kelly borrowed some pajamas and clothes for the next day from Camille. 2J was already equipped with extra toothbrushes, towels and more, so toiletries weren't an issue.<p>

What _was_ an issue was the fact that she was going to be stuck alone with James for a while. Mrs. K and Katie had gone off to an audition and wouldn't be back for hours, Logan was still at the library but called and said he'd be there in 2 hours and Carlos had dragged Kendall on a get over Jo spree and said they'd be out for a while. But she'd be ok as long as James stayed asleep.

"Kelly?"

_Shit_

She didn't want to answer, but that would show that she cared. So she swallowed the bitter taste in her mouth and spoke

"Hey"

He started towards her, then thought better of it and walked over to the small island in the kitchen. She heard the muffled smacks of him opening and closing the fridge. She snuck a peek behind her and saw that he was making himself cereal.

As much as she didn't want to speak to him, she had to ask, it was killing her.

"Is it true you were part of the reason Camille and Logan broke up?"

She heard the clatter of his spoon hitting the marble of the island.

He cleared his throat before he spoke

"Uh, yeah... who told-oh yeah... Camille."

She couldn't reply. So it _was_ true, why was this happening to her? She was perfectly happy with her romance free life and when she finally decides to "let love in" all she found was misery. He went on.

"You probably already know about the kiss,"

_What kiss?_

'Everyone in the Palm woods knows that one but...it wasn't just one kiss." He looked down " It went farther than that."

No, no, no, no, no! With her best friend! Now not only would she have to live through the misery, but she'd have to pretend she was happy for them. Fuck love, this shit is not all it's cracked up to be.

She struggled to ask about what was currently wreaking havoc on her mind

"Did you sleep with her?"

"No... but we came pretty close"

She was relieved, but it was short lived. She still felt like she had been run over by a train.

"Does Logan know?'

As much as this was hurting her, she knew it would hurt Logan more. After all James was never really _hers_.

"Yeah we told him, we left out the part about us being in our underwear but he knows we kissed."

She made a mental note to not call Logan a wimp quite as much, he was pretty strong.

"So what are you guys going to do now?"

"Nothing, me and Camille both know we aren't right for each other"

That didn't faze her, she never thought she'd ever feel like this about _James_ of all people, but...here she was.

"Right...yeah...how?

He shrugged

"I don't know, we just knew. If that makes any sense"

"Not much" she said as she directed her attention back to the TV screen. It didn't make sense to her at all. But these days, nothing in her life ever did.

* * *

><p>He shouldn't have told her. In hindsight he knew that, but he was just so happy she was actually speaking to him out of her own free will.<p>

Before she was passive, but now she acted as if he didn't exist.

The conversation replayed in his mind.

As he told her she gulped as if in pain. He never knew Kelly cared so much about Logan. He felt a pang of jealousy, but no, James Diamond didn't do jealous, he had everything right?

"Did you sleep with her?"

"No" he considered leaving it at that, because it was true. But something told him Kelly was probably one of those people that saw leaving out part of the truth was just as bad as lying. And he didn't need her getting any more upset with him. "But we came pretty close"

She asked about Logan's feelings again, he answered begrudgingly.

"So what are you guys going to do now?"

"Nothing, me and Camille both know we aren't right for each other"

"Right...yeah...how?

_I called her your name by accident and tried to cover it as Cammi_

He shrugged

"I don't know, we just knew. If that makes any sense"

"Not much" she said as she turned her head back to the TV

James was shaken out of his thoughts by Gustavo's voice. They'd been his thoughts for the past month since it happened.

"James! Sing your part!" Gustavo yelled

Carlos, Logan and Kendall snickered in the background and Kelly was as distracted as ever, staring at a sheet of paper but making no movements.

"Ok, dogs you can go. James, tomorrow when you get here, make sure you bring your brain _with_ you."

"Wait, where are _you_ going?" Kendall asked

"Yeah' Logan chimed "You must have a reason for letting us off early."

" Umm, away from your mediocrity." he said as if it was the simplest concept known to man. "Fine, I have to take my niece to see a movie and it starts in an hour. Kelly you can lock up right?"

Kelly didn't respond, still entranced by whatever she was reading.

"Kelly!"

"Huh?"

Gustavo slowed his words down and enunciated "You can lock up, right?"

"Sure"

From what James saw, Kelly was totally lost as to what was going on. She just kept looking at her paper wistfully, as if it held something that she ached to have.

* * *

><p>According to what Kelly gathered from Gustavo ,Logan, Kendall and Carlos leaving the room, she was pretty sure James was screwing up again and needed extra time. She was almost worried for him before she caught herself and recited the mantra she began using for almost all things James related.<p>

If you care too much. It'll hurt too much

If you care too much. It'll hurt too much

With Gustavo gone she had the studio to herself. She had some paperwork to do so she set off on that.

While working she spotted some of BTR's headshots from when they first came to LA. Getting Carlos not to wear his helmet was a struggle.

"But what if one of the light fixtures falls on me and I don't have my helmet?" he had whimpered

Logan was extremely awkward during his shoot and they had to position the camera so he couldn't see it. Most of his shots were candid, but they were still great.

Kendall tells everyone his was easy, but Kelly distinctly remembered having to talk hockey to him from beside the camera man so he wouldn't look like he just had the bathroom door opened on him.

When it came time for James to go he walked in with a huge binder.

"Excuse me? Kelly is that your name? Good. I won't be needing to take any new pictures, I've got my own headshots right here"

He then proceeded to show her his personal favourites like angry cowboy and confused astronaut.

She laughed at the memory but hastily reprimanded herself.

If you care too much. It'll hurt too much

If you care too much. It'll hurt too much

She continued filing the documents for their new album and upcoming tour for hours. But after the work was done, her distraction was gone too. She found herself thinking of him again, specifically the afternoon in the apartment.

The familiar feeling of her throat clogging resurfaced. She steadied herself with the soundboard.

This was ridiculous, she needed to get over this.

And she knew just how. She wandered into the music room and picked up one of the many guitars and made her way back to the sound booth. She looked around once more to check that no one was there as she entered it.

Sitting on the stool and brushing her hair out of her eyes she began.

**If I should die before I wake  
>It's 'cause you took my breath away<br>Losing you is like living in a world with no air  
>Oh<strong>

* * *

><p>...<p>

"_Kelly! Kelly!" They had been talking on the beach when he went to go get ice cream and now he couldn't find her._

"_Kelly!" He finally saw her. She was standing at the shore. Looking as beautiful as ever in her yellow bathing suit and violet shawl. As he stepped towards her the wind picked up, and her hair began flying around her face. "Kelly, come on, we have to get inside!"_

_She turned around and faced him, but her eyes seemed to be glazed over. Her face was free of emotion as she spoke "Why'd you do that James?" Now in the island paradise she was the only thing without color, she was in black and white._

_"Do what?"_

_She only shook her head at him as she turned around. She strolled into the shallow end of the beach. Kicking at the blue green water and making little splashes. She waded farther into the pool and started swimming. James was still confused._

"_Do what?'_

_Her face stayed blank _

"_You know you could have tried James. You could have tried harder."_

"_To do what?"_

_Emotion finally broke through her in the form of a weak smile_

"_To say sorry silly"_

_He was about to speak but a whirlpool formed in the water, slowly sucking the things in the water in. First a bottle, then a swimming noodle, she was next._

"_Sorry! Sorry!" James began swimming towards Kelly as the whirlpool took hold of her leg. He tried to get a hold of her hand, but she kept slipping. As he saw her head submerge he felt as if he was the one drowning as he clutched at his throat_

...

"No! No! Somebody, I can't breathe!" He mumbled as he rolled around in his bed. As relieved as James was to know that it had only been a dream

_nightmare_

he wasn't totally light hearted now. He was done having Kelly mad at him, and _this_ time, he wasn't taking no for an answer.

He got ready as quickly as he could.

"Hey Logan could you drive me to the studio real quick?"

"Uh, why?" he asked with his eyebrow raised in question

"I uh forgot my jacket"

Logan looked skeptical then nodded as he grabbed his own jacket.

Rocque Records still had the lights on, so she hadn't left.

"I'll be back in like 5 minutes"

"Okay"

James quickened his footsteps as he hurriedly shut the car door.

When the elevator doors opened he was greeted with the sound of a soulful voice. He followed it and saw her when he rounded the corner. He tiptoed over to a place where she was visible to him, but he wasn't to her.

James watched Kelly's lips move as she sang.

He felt a sick churning in his stomach as he took in the lyrics.

**I'm here alone, didn't wanna leave  
>My heart won't move, it's incomplete<br>Wish there was a way that I can make you understand**

But how do you expect me  
>to live alone with just me<br>'Cause my world revolves around you  
>It's so hard for me to breathe<p>

It was probably about that same guy she wrote "Fallin for you" He wondered who this guy was, that had somehow taken a hold of Kelly's heart. Everything about this seemed miserable, choking.

**I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew  
>Right off the ground to float to you<br>There's no gravity to hold me down for real**

He got flashes of the dram that had led him here. A nightmare really. He just wanted to save her, but he couldn't. He had to find a way to make it better, because he really could have tried her. He tried to imagine what he would have done if she had told _her_ friends about his... childhood issues. Even if it was in an outburst, a hurried sorry would not have made him forgive her.

Her strumming slowed and she closed her eyes as she sang the last part of the song. Her pain stricken emotion was evident on her face as her eyebrows came together and the corners of her lips slowly wilted down.

**Got me out here in the water so deep  
>Tell me how you gonna be without me<br>If you ain't here, I just can't breathe  
>It's no air, no air<strong>

Whoever this guy was, he was ruining her. And though he knew he could do nothing directly about that he knew he had to save her, somehow. He'd have to find a way.

Her eyes trembled open and he found that her bronze eyes seemed to be welling up with tears. Though it pained him for reasons he wasn't ready to admit to, he really hoped things worked out for Kelly and this guy. He had better smarten up and love her right so she wouldn't ever have to feel like this again.

_Never again for my Kelly_

She placed the guitar back in its stand as she wiped at her eyes, laughing at herself. She was still laughing as she stepped out of the booth and shut the door.

"Really Kelly?" she mumbled

He held his breath as he waited for her to leave. He mentally smacked himself, he came here to apologize properly not hide. But as he reanalyzed his situation he realized he hadn't come prepared, he didn't know what he was going to say, or do.

As he heard the click of Kelly locking the doors something else caught his eye. It was a blinking red light on the sound board. It had been recording, the whole time. That's when it hit him, _that'_s what he'd use. Kelly's love life

_heart_

seemed to be falling apart,

_I can fix it_

but he knew he could help her with her music career. He knew that with her talent she would have been picked up, if she hadn't given up so easily. All she needed was a push in the right direction he decided as he pushed the burn button. A few moments later the machine hummed as it slowly spit out Kelly's recording.

It spread warmth through his hand as he carefully picked it up, slipped it in a case and stuck a "please listen" sticky note on it. He dropped it in the centre of Gustavo's desk so he'd be sure to see it, it was a Friday and he had learned that Kelly didn't come in to work on the weekend, Gustavo could listen to it alone. It'd be a surprise. He was certain Kelly would love it, if getting the girl her big break didn't say "I'm sorry" then he didn't know what would.

His thoughts were disturbed by the loud honk of the BTR mobile

He rushed to the elevator and made his way outside the building.

"Where's your jacket?'

"Huh?" he had forgotten about that "Oh, must be back at home"

Logan looked suspicious but said nothing as he sighed and started up the car

* * *

><p>No he fucking did NOT! Kelly was racing down the street and over to the PalmWoods Sunday night.<p>

After church a friend had mentioned that there was some news about a mystery singer. The girl was gossip crazed so Kelly didn't pay her much mind. How she wished she had earlier.

At around 10:00 pm she decided to check the LA news, she really just wanted the weather so she'd know what to wear tomorrow but was met by the entertainment segment instead.

"Today on LA entertainment we have some new buzz"

"Yes Pam, apparently Gustavo Rocque is doing a search for a new mystery singer!"

Kelly was surprised, she turned up the volume, wanting to hear the story. It affected her job too.

"After Gustavo posted a clip of the singers demo so they could identify themselves. Rocque was considering signing the artist"

"Very true Rob, but just hours later it seemed more record companies had jumped on the band wagon, wanting to sign the singer to their own label. Many labels are also interested in who wrote the song"

"We will get to hear the clip of the singer after this short break."

Kelly took the commercial break as an opportunity to change into her pajamas, she had only managed to get her knit top on when she heard the sounds of the entertainment reporters again.

"Here's the clip guys, very little was released. Rocque did not want to leak the original song"

Kelly walked into the living area while tying her hair up into a messy bun. She sat down on the couch as familiar chords began to play wondering who the mystery singer was, and what label they'd choose.

"**Got me out here in the water so deep  
>Tell me how you gonna be without me<br>If you ain't here, I just can't breathe  
>It's no air, no air"<strong>

Kelly's jaw dropped as her head began reeling. She was bombarded with questions all at the same time, but there was one big question on her mind. How? How did someone record this, how'd it get to Gustavo? Who?

She couldn't really figure out the first questions but she could try to figure out who.

But moments later something clicked in her brain, the only person who knew she was into music, and the only person selfish and stupid enough to pull something like this. The only person who she could say she was on bad terms with.

James

It made sense

She just never thought he'd hurt her on purpose.

**Tell me what you think of the story so far in the form of a review. It would mean a LOT! This is my first fic so as much as I love me some ego stroking, constructive criticism is also much appreciated. If you want you can use the 2 hearts and a wish method (2 things you liked and one thing you wish was different)**

**I already wrote the entire story so you might not neccesarily see any change in this story, but I will remember your suggestions in future stories.**

**Thanks for reading :D**


	6. When the dust settles

**FINAL CHAPTER PEOPLE!**

**HEY YOU!** Read this!

In the story

_ italics_ that are by themselves and not in the middle of a sentence are subconscious, not necessarily thoughts but may be things the person doesn't understand or does not want to admit yet

**Bold** is lyrics

_**Bold italics**_ are lyrics in mind

The lines are changes in perspective. It follows an alternating pattern so hopefully it's clear. By perspective I mean like a biast third person, not first person

... signals the beginning and end of a dream

Sorry I updated late, I COMPLETELY forgot. But here it is.

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Big Time Rush or the song "No Air' by Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown. The only things here that I own are my ideas.**

Starting with James' perspective

Enjoy :)

James had snuck out of 2J for a midnight snack. Mrs. Knight had recently begun an insane health kick and banned artificial sugar from the apartment. But the only thing on James' mind was getting to the vending machine in the lobby and savoring some yummy skittles. Though Kelly snuck her way in his mind too sometimes.

The plan had worked better than he had ever hoped. According to the live streaming of La entertainment news he had just watched, she was getting offers from some big record labels. She was going to be so happy to see him on Monday. He hoped that Kelly had been able to tell it was him who did it for her, but his questions were answered as he saw her car pull up to the curb and a pair of tan Ugg's followed by long slender legs in skinny jeans step out of the car.

The lobby was empty as most Palm Wood's residents were either sleeping or getting prepared for another work day and the sound of her boots could be heard even through the door. She used the pass code she had and opened the door. He was surprised to see her in a knit pajama top and a loose bun atop her head,

_She still looks gorgeous_

He just figured she hadn't been able to wait till tomorrow to thank him. She'd probably been so excited she jumped out of bed to get here. Yup, he did good.

"Why on earth would you do that?"

That was not the thank you he had expected and definitely not the hug he had hoped for.

"What?"

"Don't play dumb with me James!" her eyebrows furrowed, almost meeting one other as she spat out the words.

"What are you saying?"

"Don't try and make me feel like I imagined it. I know it was you, why would you think it would be okay for you to record me like that? How did you even record me like that?"

James couldn't wrap his head around it, she was _angry_ at him because he had gotten her the chance of a lifetime. The situation was becoming less and less confusing and more and more aggravating by the second.

"Don't make me sound like some creep, you were the one who left the record button on. I only took the opportunity to do something nice for you, since it seems that's the only way you're ever going to talk to me again!"

How was taking my private life and spreading it all over LA doing something _nice_ for me?"

"No one even knows it's you!"

"But I know, and it's only a matter of time before Gustavo figures it out too."

James couldn't believe how ridiculous she was being, he hardly even noticed the slow escalation of their voices from talking to almost yelling.

"You're being so paranoid. He's never going to know unless you tell him"

"I've _performed at shows_ before James, Gustavo knows his way around this city. Do you think he would just wait for me to come running? It isn't very hard to get the recordings at Treble."

"I did this for _you_ Kelly!"

"Maybe I don't want it!"

"Maybe you're just scared!"

* * *

><p>She staggered back at this, and her voice began to shake as it lowered in volume<p>

"I'm not_ scared_, I moved all the way to this city... on my _own_.. .and I got a good stable job and, and I'm h-happy. I told you."

He walked closer to her, grinding his teeth as he spoke

"No, you _are_ scared because you moved all the way to this city, on your own, to do something and you settled. I'm sorry but I don't see how that translates into happiness."

She paused for a moment then closed her eyelids and sighed as she clasped her hands together. Then she spoke calmly but commandingly.

"You have no right to act like you know me."

* * *

><p>James was at wits end as he pulled at his mussed hair. Did she even get how much this could do for her?<p>

_Do you even get how much I love you?_

He wanted to make sure he got those words in before she left.

"Do you even get how much I LOVE you?"

But those words tumbled out instead.

* * *

><p>"Do you even get how much I LOVE you?"<p>

What? Kelly was taken aback by James words.

But no, he did not get to do this now. He couldn't just screw up her whole life and then somehow make it ok by saying he loved her.

He was probably lying. The thought made her sick, James lying about something that huge just because he pitied her. He didn't get to do this, she wouldn't let him.

So she ran.

_**I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew  
>Right off the ground to float to you<br>There's no gravity to hold me down for real**_

She kept running, past her car, past the Palm Woods in fact the only reason why she stopped was because of the blinking red hand telling her she couldn't cross.

Since it was so late the lights were much longer and she was forced to take a minute and process what had just happened. The guy she had been pining over just said he loved her, and she ran. She tried to recall all the reasons why she did, assure herself that she made the right decision, that it really wouldn't work. He basically leaked a secret of hers all over the city,

_But he tried to get me my big break_

They worked together and it would be horribly inappropriate

She had just been through a bad breakup... but everyone had those didn't they?

... That was it.

Even as the light changed and allowed her to walk, she still stood there, lost in her own thoughts.

She began to list all the reasons why it possibly _could_

* * *

><p>He couldn't believe he just said that. Never had he ever said he loved somebody, in <em>that<em> way. At most a girl would get an "I love spending time with you" but that was about it.

He didn't even know where it came from, it certainly wasn't what he had _planned_ to say. He was just as shocked at the words that had come out of his mouth as she was. So as she turned around and ran, he was too stunned to do anything about it.

Now he was sitting in the Palm Wood's lobby muttering to himself with his head in his hands. She hated him enough, this was like adding a bunch of gasoline to an already huge fire. God, he would have to face her the next day too...and the day after that... and the day after that.

He was entirely captivated by his thoughts so he didn't hear the small footsteps behind him. His heart rate quickened as he turned around. In front of him he found Carlos with sleepy eyes and a worried expression. His heart sank as he forced a smile.

"James, what are you doing here?"Carlos said as he rubbed at his eyes with the back of his hands.

'Oh just getting a late night snack,"

Carlos seemed wary but shrugged as he said

"Ok but come upstairs, if you're not back in 10mins I'll have to drag you up there"

James managed to offer the smaller boy a strained laugh as he walked slowly over to the vending machine and listened for the sound of the elevator doors closing. As soon as he did he began smacking his head against the machine "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid..."

He had utterly fucked up and he had no idea how to fix it this time. He could have been smacking his head there for hours, so he wasn't surprised when he heard the light pitter patter of footsteps. It had probably been 10mins already. He turned around and began to speak

"Look Carlos I-"

He did not find a short Latino boy in front of him but a nervous girl with glistening bronze eyes, her hair in a bun, and wearing a knitted pajama top. He was unable to speak, so after a moment she did.

"Hey I just wanted to..." she didn't finish her sentence and instead slowly brought her face closer to his own. It was only a brush of the lips but it sent tingles down his spine. She looked at him for a moment, then blushed, embarrassed, as she turned away. But he wasn't letting her get by this time. His long fingers flew out and grabbed her arm, she tensed up as electric jolts flew through his fingertips." Wait..." he whispered. He didn't really know what to say after that, but he did know that he wanted this. For her to stay, he was pretty sure he didn't want anything more than that in that moment. So he stuttered and spit out the first thing that came to his mind

"You want some skittles?"

She furrowed her brows for a second, a confused expression on her face.

Maybe that wasn't the right thing to say

But then she laughed

"Sure"

So he inserted a dollar into the vending machine and it spit out a bag of skittles. They sat in the lobby, sharing the tart candy, not saying a word. He was pretty sure he heard the elevator doors open and a smug "Oh..." come from behind his head but he didn't bother looking back. A few moments after the doors closed Kelly spoke, breaking the silence. The silence in which he realize he was the only one who said I love you, the vulnerability was new and terrifying to him.

"You're a fucking shit head you know that?"

He laughed. That wasn't exactly what he had expected her to say in that moment. But at the same time he knew that it was exactly like Kelly, to do or say something completely random to change the mood of a situation.

"But I'm your fucking shit head."

He knew that it was possibly the corniest thing he had ever said, but she didn't object so he frankly didn't care.

They talked like that for about an hour until Kelly looked at her cell phone and realized the time.

He escorted her to the door, unsure of whether or not he should say something to her before she left. He couldn't think of anything and she began to turn around but stopped as if she had remembered something.

"Those songs were about you, you know?"

He was again at a loss for words and could only manage an "Oh"

She chuckled to herself then stood up on her toes to kiss his cheek and then she stood even higher to reach his air as she uwhispered

"I got my air back"

Guess he _wasn't_ the only one who said I love you

**Fin.**

**Tell me what you think of the story in the form of a review. It would mean a LOT! This is my first fic so as much as I love me some ego stroking, constructive criticism is also much appreciated. If you want you can use the 2 hearts and a wish method (2 things you liked and one thing you wish was different)**

**I already wrote the entire story so you won't see any change in this story, but I will remember your suggestions in future stories.**

**Thanks for reading :D**

**ps. So I've started working on a new story. Hint: it's another one with Kelly and someone OTHER than Gustavo. Sorry if you wanted something different but I'm just trying to inspire others to write more fics with Kelly, plus she's my favorite female character. Camille, Lucy and Jo all annoyed me. But if you know my process then you know that I'm going to write the entire thing before I start posting, so I won't be on for a while. If you have anything you'd like to see just mention it in a review. Just be like " In another fic could you..." If it works with my story I'll include it. It's been a pleasure writing for you.**

**:D**


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